The Line Between Need and Want—Examining Limerence
Susana Demian
According to The Attachment Project, limerence is defined as a “mental state of profound romantic infatuation, obsession, and fantastical desire for one person” (Attachment Project). Psychologist Dorothy Tennov first coined the term in the early 1970s after a decade of research, defining it as “an uncontrollable, biologically determined, inherently irrational, instinct-like reaction” (1998). However, research on the phenomenon remains underrepresented even today.
Attachment theory, defined as “an inherent biological response and behavioral system in place to provide satisfaction of basic human needs” (Bowlby, 1969) was developed by John Bowlby and further expounded on by Mary Ainsworth. This theory can be used as a catalyst for understanding limerence since both ideas revolve around interpersonal dynamics rooted in emotional dependency and the inherent need for connection. The four attachment styles include secure attachment, dismissive-avoidant attachment, anxious-preoccupied attachment, and fearful-avoidant attachment.
Individuals with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are more likely to experience a state of limerence. The basis for both of these is the same. Anxious attachment styles stem from a lack of security in relationships, particularly in childhood, and result in a sense of being preoccupied or obsessed with relationships later in life. Limerence is often the same kind of obsession but heightened to an incessant and all-consuming level.
Limerence is associated with dopamine reward circuits in the brain, while attachment styles are more linked with developmental psychology. The stances of nature versus nurture on why humans adapt in the way they do have created a tension between how useful attachment theory could be when understanding how humans depend on each other, and in extreme cases, why they are limerent. The push and pull from these perspectives may correlate with the underwhelming research on limerence as a whole, as the foreground is inherently complex.
Understanding the root of insecure attachment (attachment styles other than secure) can be quite beneficial when addressing how its long-term effects can lead to limerence. A person's tendency to have an insecure attachment style often stems from unmet needs during childhood (Yassin, 2023). When a child doesn’t feel safe or secure with their caregivers, an insecure attachment develops. There exists a general lack of awareness of the importance of a child’s secure attachment to their parent or guardian as well as a prominent lack of resources for therapeutic services. Both are significant issues and result in the persistence of insecure attachments later in life.
While the root of attachment styles may provide insight into the emotional framework of limerence, the causes of limerence itself are more varied and complex. Some believe that low self-esteem, biological propensity for obsession, and in some cases, childhood trauma can all combine to bring life to limerent phases. Some believe addictive tendencies and their cognitive factors such as an imbalance between the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, may also contribute to limerent phases. The true cause of limerence is not entirely understood, but all of these factors play a unique part in its composition.
When Tennov coined the term limerence, she also classified the mental state into three stages—infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. The first stage, infatuation, is an intense preoccupation and longing for a person. The second stage, crystallization, lies in seeing the limerent object as undoubtedly perfect. The third stage, deterioration, is when the intensity quiets and the perfection dissolves (Thompson, 1998). The point beyond return lies in the second stage, crystallization, especially when the limerent is unaware of the obsession caused by the nature of their state. Even awareness may not be enough, however. Acting on that awareness lies in an external source of strength, and without the tools of therapy, introspection, etc., the limerent’s feelings may persist or even strengthen despite struggles to control them.
According to psychologist Kristine Keller, limerence occurs in about 5% of the population, but cyberpsychologist Sarah Taylor claims that almost 50% of the population may experience limerence. How common cognitive obsession is remains undefined, and providing the basis on which to conduct more studies and research on limerence could aid in clarifying the origins of limerence. Nevertheless, the discussion of attachment styles and mental states are informative starting points that further the general study of limerence into the examination of limerence in film, literature, or even music. Similarly, uncovering the origin of limerence furthers our understanding of how humans behave in various relationships and can provide the basis for empathy surrounding the state.
About the Author
Susana Demian (‘28) is a freshman at Harvard College concentrating in Psychology and Philosophy.
References
Attachment theory, defined as “an inherent biological response and behavioral system in place to provide satisfaction of basic human needs” (Bowlby, 1969) was developed by John Bowlby and further expounded on by Mary Ainsworth. This theory can be used as a catalyst for understanding limerence since both ideas revolve around interpersonal dynamics rooted in emotional dependency and the inherent need for connection. The four attachment styles include secure attachment, dismissive-avoidant attachment, anxious-preoccupied attachment, and fearful-avoidant attachment.
Individuals with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are more likely to experience a state of limerence. The basis for both of these is the same. Anxious attachment styles stem from a lack of security in relationships, particularly in childhood, and result in a sense of being preoccupied or obsessed with relationships later in life. Limerence is often the same kind of obsession but heightened to an incessant and all-consuming level.
Limerence is associated with dopamine reward circuits in the brain, while attachment styles are more linked with developmental psychology. The stances of nature versus nurture on why humans adapt in the way they do have created a tension between how useful attachment theory could be when understanding how humans depend on each other, and in extreme cases, why they are limerent. The push and pull from these perspectives may correlate with the underwhelming research on limerence as a whole, as the foreground is inherently complex.
Understanding the root of insecure attachment (attachment styles other than secure) can be quite beneficial when addressing how its long-term effects can lead to limerence. A person's tendency to have an insecure attachment style often stems from unmet needs during childhood (Yassin, 2023). When a child doesn’t feel safe or secure with their caregivers, an insecure attachment develops. There exists a general lack of awareness of the importance of a child’s secure attachment to their parent or guardian as well as a prominent lack of resources for therapeutic services. Both are significant issues and result in the persistence of insecure attachments later in life.
While the root of attachment styles may provide insight into the emotional framework of limerence, the causes of limerence itself are more varied and complex. Some believe that low self-esteem, biological propensity for obsession, and in some cases, childhood trauma can all combine to bring life to limerent phases. Some believe addictive tendencies and their cognitive factors such as an imbalance between the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, may also contribute to limerent phases. The true cause of limerence is not entirely understood, but all of these factors play a unique part in its composition.
When Tennov coined the term limerence, she also classified the mental state into three stages—infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. The first stage, infatuation, is an intense preoccupation and longing for a person. The second stage, crystallization, lies in seeing the limerent object as undoubtedly perfect. The third stage, deterioration, is when the intensity quiets and the perfection dissolves (Thompson, 1998). The point beyond return lies in the second stage, crystallization, especially when the limerent is unaware of the obsession caused by the nature of their state. Even awareness may not be enough, however. Acting on that awareness lies in an external source of strength, and without the tools of therapy, introspection, etc., the limerent’s feelings may persist or even strengthen despite struggles to control them.
According to psychologist Kristine Keller, limerence occurs in about 5% of the population, but cyberpsychologist Sarah Taylor claims that almost 50% of the population may experience limerence. How common cognitive obsession is remains undefined, and providing the basis on which to conduct more studies and research on limerence could aid in clarifying the origins of limerence. Nevertheless, the discussion of attachment styles and mental states are informative starting points that further the general study of limerence into the examination of limerence in film, literature, or even music. Similarly, uncovering the origin of limerence furthers our understanding of how humans behave in various relationships and can provide the basis for empathy surrounding the state.
About the Author
Susana Demian (‘28) is a freshman at Harvard College concentrating in Psychology and Philosophy.
References
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss (No. 79). Random House.
- Keller, K. (2011, September 23.). Limerence: When is it more than heartbreak?. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-young-and-the-restless/201109/limerence-when-is-it-more-than-heartbreak
- Tennov, D. (1999). Love and limerence: The experience of being in Love. Scarborough House.
- Thompson, S. A. (1998). The influence of affect and arousal on social perceptions and judgments in infatuated love (Order No. 9913408). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (304418279). http://www.library.hbs.edu/intra/go/abi.html?url=http://search.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/influence-affect-arousal-on-social-perceptions/docview/304418279/se-2
- “What Is Limerence? Definition and Stages.” Attachment Project, 18 May 2024, www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/.
- Yassin, F. (2023, March 15). Understanding insecure attachment. thewaveclinic.com. https://thewaveclinic.com/blog/understanding-insecure-attachment/