From Mind-Wandering to Deep Listening: How to Enrich Your Conversations
Reed Pryor
Picture this: you’re a Harvard student with a vibrant social life, taking a full course load, heavily involved in student clubs, and applying to jobs or internships. Sound familiar?
At colleges around the country, students are driven, motivated, and capable. The cost of succeeding as a high-functioning student is often a myopic focus on yourself, where your PSets, extracurriculars, and worries can take center stage. How many times have you met someone, only to completely forget their name because you were thinking about something else? How many superficial connections have you made with another student, learning only their name, hometown, and major, because you didn’t have any better questions to ask?
This phenomenon, also known as mind-wandering, is not unique to Harvard or college students. It is a universal experience for good reason. Mind-wandering allows us to plan effectively for the future and learn from past mistakes by mentally distancing ourselves from the present (Bar et al., 2007). In fact, mindless small talk helps us structure social interactions by giving both conversationalists shared expectations about the length and content of the interaction (Coupland 2003). However, it can also make us lose out on real, deep human connection.
To counteract the pitfalls of mindless small talk, we should engage in mindfulness, or the “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). Extensive research has shown that mindfulness leads to a plethora of health benefits, including improvements in cardiovascular health and reduced rates of depression (Loucks et al., 2015; Zegal et al., 2020). In a world with distractions designed to compete for our attention, mindfulness makes us more sensitive and responsive to ourselves and the world around us. Indeed, mindfulness has been shown to increase insula activation, a key driver of interoception, or sensitivity to internal bodily sensations (Gibson et al., 2012). There is no question that mindfulness can help us become more in tune with our bodies. But what if it also helped us listen to other people?
Deep listening is a little-studied psychological phenomenon, but it is intimately connected to mindfulness. According to communication researcher Jelena Fisic, deep listening is “a type of listening in which we are fully present and devoted to the person speaking, without trying to control the conversation or judge it” (Fisic, 2022). Steven Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote that “most people don’t listen to understand, they listen to respond” (Covey, 1989). Deep listening is a type of mindfulness that teaches us to stop formulating responses in our heads and instead devote our full attention to the present conversation. When we stop projecting our thoughts onto the conversation and fully listen to another person, we can understand and connect with them on a deeper level.
Try to remember an extremely fulfilling conversation you’ve had. Perhaps the time flew by, and you talked for an hour without realizing it. Perhaps it was fulfilling because you felt that you truly understood the other person, or that they were truly listening to you. Whatever the case, you went with the spontaneous flow of deep listening, leaving mind-wandering at the doorstep.
Besides the fact that deep listening feels good and leads to great conversation, research is beginning to support deep listening. Studies show that deep listening interventions increase students’ receptivity to difficult conversations (Sangha et al. 2021). Similarly, physicians engaging in deep listening foster more trusting relationships with their patients, leading to more accurate diagnoses (Epstein & Beach, 2023).
So what are some actionable ways to bring more deep listening into our everyday lives?
Here are three things you can do right now to start connecting more deeply with the people around you:
With these simple practices, deep listening can become habitual — and in doing so, you’ll be one step closer to unlocking the true power of human connection.
About the Author
Reed Pryor (‘25) is a senior at Harvard College concentrating in Psychology and Human Evolutionary Biology.
References
At colleges around the country, students are driven, motivated, and capable. The cost of succeeding as a high-functioning student is often a myopic focus on yourself, where your PSets, extracurriculars, and worries can take center stage. How many times have you met someone, only to completely forget their name because you were thinking about something else? How many superficial connections have you made with another student, learning only their name, hometown, and major, because you didn’t have any better questions to ask?
This phenomenon, also known as mind-wandering, is not unique to Harvard or college students. It is a universal experience for good reason. Mind-wandering allows us to plan effectively for the future and learn from past mistakes by mentally distancing ourselves from the present (Bar et al., 2007). In fact, mindless small talk helps us structure social interactions by giving both conversationalists shared expectations about the length and content of the interaction (Coupland 2003). However, it can also make us lose out on real, deep human connection.
To counteract the pitfalls of mindless small talk, we should engage in mindfulness, or the “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). Extensive research has shown that mindfulness leads to a plethora of health benefits, including improvements in cardiovascular health and reduced rates of depression (Loucks et al., 2015; Zegal et al., 2020). In a world with distractions designed to compete for our attention, mindfulness makes us more sensitive and responsive to ourselves and the world around us. Indeed, mindfulness has been shown to increase insula activation, a key driver of interoception, or sensitivity to internal bodily sensations (Gibson et al., 2012). There is no question that mindfulness can help us become more in tune with our bodies. But what if it also helped us listen to other people?
Deep listening is a little-studied psychological phenomenon, but it is intimately connected to mindfulness. According to communication researcher Jelena Fisic, deep listening is “a type of listening in which we are fully present and devoted to the person speaking, without trying to control the conversation or judge it” (Fisic, 2022). Steven Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote that “most people don’t listen to understand, they listen to respond” (Covey, 1989). Deep listening is a type of mindfulness that teaches us to stop formulating responses in our heads and instead devote our full attention to the present conversation. When we stop projecting our thoughts onto the conversation and fully listen to another person, we can understand and connect with them on a deeper level.
Try to remember an extremely fulfilling conversation you’ve had. Perhaps the time flew by, and you talked for an hour without realizing it. Perhaps it was fulfilling because you felt that you truly understood the other person, or that they were truly listening to you. Whatever the case, you went with the spontaneous flow of deep listening, leaving mind-wandering at the doorstep.
Besides the fact that deep listening feels good and leads to great conversation, research is beginning to support deep listening. Studies show that deep listening interventions increase students’ receptivity to difficult conversations (Sangha et al. 2021). Similarly, physicians engaging in deep listening foster more trusting relationships with their patients, leading to more accurate diagnoses (Epstein & Beach, 2023).
So what are some actionable ways to bring more deep listening into our everyday lives?
Here are three things you can do right now to start connecting more deeply with the people around you:
- Pause before Responding
The next time you are in a conversation, take a breath and pause for at least a second before you respond. This helps you slow down and cues you to listen for understanding rather than to respond. - Put your Phone Away
During conversations, put your phone somewhere where it cannot distract you. This signals, both to the person you are conversing with and to yourself, that you’re ready to listen deeply. - Ask Open-Ended Questions
Deep listening involves moving beyond typical small talk questions like “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?”. Instead, try asking “What’s something you’re passionate about?”. Open-ended questions like this spur more interesting and authentic responses, inviting you to listen more deeply.
With these simple practices, deep listening can become habitual — and in doing so, you’ll be one step closer to unlocking the true power of human connection.
About the Author
Reed Pryor (‘25) is a senior at Harvard College concentrating in Psychology and Human Evolutionary Biology.
References
- Bar M. (2007). The proactive brain: using analogies and associations to generate predictions. Trends in cognitive sciences, 11(7), 280–289. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2007.05.005
- Coupland, J. (2003). Small talk: Social functions. Research on Language and Social Interaction, 36(1), 1–6. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327973RLSI3601_1
- Covey, S. R. (1989). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York, Simon and Schuster
- Epstein, R. M., & Beach, M. C. (2023). "I don't need your pills, I need your attention:" Steps toward deep listening in medical encounters. Current opinion in psychology, 53, 101685. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101685
- Fisic, J. (2022). Deep listening in the Workplace. Pumble Blog. https://pumble.com/blog/deep-listening/
- Gibson J. (2019). Mindfulness, Interoception, and the Body: A Contemporary Perspective. Frontiers in psychology, 10, 2012. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02012
- Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion UK.
- Loucks, E. B., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Britton, W. B., Fresco, D. M., Desbordes, G., Brewer, J. A., & Fulwiler, C. (2015). Mindfulness and Cardiovascular Disease Risk: State of the Evidence, Plausible Mechanisms, and Theoretical Framework. Current cardiology reports, 17(12), 112. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11886-015-0668-7
- Sangha, J. & Bramesfeld, K. (2021). Using a mindfulness-based deep listening exercise to engage students in difficult dialogues about diversity, equity, and inclusion. In Wong, M.S., Weiner, L., Cerniak, J., & Yee, L.T.S. (Eds.), Incorporating diversity in classroom settings: Real and engaging examples for various psychology courses. (Vol 2: Intersectionality) (pp. 2-6). Society for the Teaching of Psychology.
- Segal, Z. V., Dimidjian, S., Beck, A., Boggs, J. M., Vanderkruik, R., Metcalf, C. A., Gallop, R., Felder, J. N., & Levy, J. (2020). Outcomes of Online Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Patients With Residual Depressive Symptoms: A Randomized Clinical Trial. JAMA psychiatry, 77(6), 563–573. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2019.4693